Privates has received a HUGE update, hopefully fixing every issue we’ve been made aware of.

You can grab the new version right now, FOR FREE, from privatesgame.com. If you had any issues with the original download at all, we’re hoping this will fix you up.

Zombie Cow Studios is a teeny tiny little outfit. We don’t have access to a million billion pounds worth of computer equipment to test Privates on, we were able to test it on about a dozen machines, which we thought was pretty good going.

When it launched last Thursday, we were pretty damned disheartened to find out that a near-infinite combination of PC setups meant some people couldn’t play the game. We’ve now got three main concerns: performance, crashes, and bugs


PERFORMANCE:
So, post launch we identified an issue that was causing it to run reeeeeeally slowly on certain setups. My crappy 7 year-old desktop runs it at 60 frames per second, but on some peoples’ whizzy state-of-the-art gaming rigs it’d chug at a lowly 4. TOTALLY WEIRD, right?

So we’ve fixed up these problems as we’ve found them – hopefully the game will now run a lot better on more setups. It’s not going to be perfect everywhere just yet, which is why if it’s still running slowly on your computer it’d be insanely helpful if you could pop a little message in the comments below, letting us know the full specs and operating system of your computer.

CRASHES:
Again, we’ve eliminated all crashes across all our computers, but you and your weirdy-beardy graphics card might be doing something we couldn’t account for. So we’d love to know why it’s crashing, if it does. And you can help!

If you re-download the game and start it up, a little a little box will now pop up should the game phut out at all. You can click ‘Details’ and you’ll get a teeny little report.

So, if it crashes, copy and paste the info to the comments section below, and we’ll see what we can do to fix up whatever’s causing it.

It’ll make you feel a little bit like one of those computer hackers you see on films like Hackers and The Jurassic Park, only totally cooler.

BUGS:
At this stage, bugs are a pain. Obviously they generally don’t occur on our systems, but can do for the wider public. So recreating them and working out what’s going on is a right faff. We’ve fixed up all the issues as they’ve arisen so far.

HOWEVER: If you stumble on anything unusual and buggy happening in that NEW version, do let us know below.

No one make ‘jokes’ about Level 2 having ‘loads of bugs’, please, we haven’t slept in a month and it’s really stopped being funny.

If you had any issues at all playing Privates, we’d really appreciate you uninstalling it, re-downloading it from E4, and having another run through.

It’s a game about nipples, or something. Grab it here, RIGHT NOW.

We’ll be putting up loads of behind-the-scenes gumph over the coming weeks - follow @thezombiecow, @lemmy101 and @captainbinky on The Twitter to keep abreast.

UPDATE: Eep! Since Privates went live, we’ve identified a number of issues, the most terrifying of which is that the framerate can be VERY choppy on some relatively state-of-the-art machines. It’ll run fine on a 7-year-old rubbishy PC, but chug on something technically more decent, which is pretty weird to say the least. We’re working hard on a fix, and should hopefully have something for you soon.

If you want to embed it in a different player, the raw file can be found here.
Read the original Privates Press Release with info and screenshots here.

Surely some sort of mistake? Where the HELL did this third dimension come from, then?

That’s right! Zombie Cow Studios is proud to announce we’ve gone all futuristic and 3D with Privates, a funky little game about tiny little condom-hatted marines going right up peoples’ rude areas and shooting all the nasty chompy things that tend to live there if you’ve been carelessly putting bits of yourself in silly places.

Much love to the enormously-talented @lemmy101 and @CaptainBinky who have, in all honesty, done the vast majority of the hard work. Sometimes we have meetings and I have no idea what’s been said at all, it’s all ‘quaternions this’ and ‘tristripping that’.

I have however worked out that Tristripping is, tragically, not NEARLY as exciting as it sounds. It’s all something to do with triangles. And not even sexy triangles like you get on a sexy 3D stripper’s knockers or anything, just normal triangles. :(

There’s more to come very soon, including trailers and screenshots of the unpleasantly-brown levels. You know why.

Full press release and five whole screenshots at zombie-cow.com/privates

If you want to know more, stay tuned at zombie-cow.com or twitter.com/thezombiecow or something.

Holy crap, have you seen the state of your mouse mat? Look at it, now. Down by the fingers you’ve been jabbing into your eyes and mouth. It’s all covered in bits of grime and digestive biscuits. And your mug shouldn’t really be that colour on the inside. And what the fuck is that fucking T-shirt you’re wearing? It doesn’t have any obscure references on it AT ALL! You look like a fucking tramp with your ordinary clothes and your grotty mouse mats and mugs.

Fortunately, Zombie Cow Studios is here to help with a near-bewildering array of mouse mats, mugs and T-shirts. All partially-customisable, finely-crafted and outstandingly-brillo. Here, look!

There’s this fine number, for example – the ‘Options’ Mug.

You can select the right options for your favourite beverage before ordering, so it always arrives with the correct amount of milk and racism.

Or these! Look at these, look! They’re massive beer glasses with ‘Lion’s Roar Real Ale’ and ‘Starz ‘n Stripez Lager’ logos on them! No one else will have these, you’ll be proper special.

There’s all sorts of cool tat in the new Zombie Cow Studios shop, with loads of awesome pixel art bits and bobs from the games. You can even customise everything so it fits perfectly inside your house. That said, I’d be a bit careful about resizing stuff – it’s pixel art so could potentially go all blurry if you make it bigger/ smaller.

Any requests for scenes you’d buy on a mug? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below and I’ll see what I can do.

If you enjoyed Ben There, Dan That! and/ or Time Gentlemen, Please! and thought they were a bit of a bargain and would like to see more Zombie Cow games, here’s an ideal chance to show your support without just giving your money away: buy mugs and stuff, and some of the cash comes here.

Oh hey, what’s going on with the next installment of Dan and Ben, then?

Let’s just say there was a high-powered EMERGENCY business meeting last night, in a pub, and as a result we have completely changed the plot and design to Revenge of the Balloon-Headed Mexican. What felt like a great idea initially didn’t map out so nicely in terms of puzzles or pacing, so instead of pressing on regardless and releasing something we weren’t happy with, we’ve gone back to square one and re-jigged everything.

Fortunately, being Indie means you’re allowed to take reckless, stupid decisions like completely starting over.

What the hell does all this mean, though? The new plot is infinitely more special, unique and interesting, which means it’s now going to be triple-brilliant… but it’s also now not going to be out till next year.

In the meantime… I dunno. You could buy another copy of Time Gentlemen, Please!, I suppose and play it through choosing a different path and see if it makes any difference?